Lee Horton-Carter's Psychotherapy Blog - LEE HORTON-CARTER COUNSELLING SERVICES

You Can't Always Get What You Want

6/24/2016

I love that song by The Rolling Stones! www.youtube.com/watch?v=XG5GOH2CO1k

Ihate the truth of it….but love the song. I mean…..who doesn’t want to get what they want????

We cry out "It's not fair!!!!" And it's not. That's the truth. Life isn't fair. We can see how things should or could be but we can't convince other people that they aren't treating us right. I think it would be easier if we were told as children that life isn't fair. It's our job to change the world in the ways that matter most while we're here but if we grumble about everything that isn't fair while we're here then we'll miss the good stuff. It's an evolution. Expect it to not be fair all the time. Focus on what you have control of and pick your battles. Which fights matter to you the most? It is still a beautiful world. Strive to be happy. You deserve it!!!

Resiliency in the wake of the Orlando massacre

6/17/2016

What happened in Orlando on Sunday was absolutely tragic. In all ways, at all levels of the word. The dilemma for me in speaking to this issue is how to do it within the context of a blog post that is geared towards resiliency and hope. So firstly, I know it will have been triggering for people. Be aware of that. Feel your response. Surround yourself with people who won't discount your feelings. And then think about the reality checks and don't let your feelings carry you into a state of being stuck in unproductive anger or fear. Productive anger motivates people towards change and makes things different, such as when a mother created Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) after her child was killed by a drunk driver. Fear is useful when it makes you think about safety and it becomes unproductive if it paralyzes you and prevents you from moving choicefully in the world. Give yourself reality checks about the difference between Canada and the US; and whomever hurt you and Omar Mateen. Canada is different from the States. We have gun control laws and while we still have murders here, they are not nearly as frequent and the chances of your being on the receiving end of an event like this are very low. And Omar Mateen is dead.

Moving forward I think it is important that we listen to the voices of LGBTQ people and Muslims to hear from them what resiliency and hope look like in the wake of this tragedy. So I asked my two friends, Karim and Lyn, who I think are both intelligent, gentle, kind people to speak to this issue. Here is what they had to say....

Karim....

The Orlando massacre, the San Bernardino shootings, the Fort Hood killings: all these atrocities were committed by Muslims. The behavior of these individuals is not a reflection of the faith called Islam, but an expression of their individual insanity. Much has been written about how Islam does not embrace violence, and that certain people engage in violent action while proclaiming that they have been motivated by the faith. I would like to draw attention to the view of Islam that seems to be most prevalent in the Western world.

If I ask people from where they get their information about Islam, most people answer television or Internet news sites. Few people have learned much about Islam at school (certainly not in high schools in Ontario) and fewer still have Muslim friends who they can learn from. If one were to look at the major news outlets like CBC or CNN, one would get the impression that all Muslims are Arab, i.e., Muslims live in or come from the Middle East and they speak Arabic. This is not true. By far the largest proportion of Muslims live in the Indian subcontinent (India, Bangladesh & Pakistan) and Indonesia which together account for about 50% of the world's Muslims. In fact no Middle East country even appears in the top ten for Muslim population. But you would hardly know that if you listened to Fox news.

The current narrative has been dominated by fundamentalist Muslims whose voice is heard because of oil money. Years ago to gain power in ruling the Arabian peninsula, The Saud family made a deal with Wahabbi fighters. The fighters would be loyal to the house of Saud as long as their fundamentalist, literal and intolerant interpretation of Islam was promoted. The oil money has allowed the Saudis to push this narrow view that few Muslims embrace. The Saudis have been given a free hand by western powers because they have American military bases on their soil and they have bought lots and lots of weapons from western arms manufacturers. No politician in the west will stand up to Saudi Arabia. Over the years they have embarked on a deliberate program to export their intolerant views by funding religious schools and ensuring that the teachers have been through their indoctrination system. These schools are widespread in poor areas where there is little other development assistance. In a recent Globe and Mail article a moderate imam from Kosovo lamented that young people where being radicalized by new teachers in new schools funded by the Saudis. What a shame that our own federal government is ready to sell the Saudis C$5 billion in arms but won't even ask them to take in a single Syrian refugee.

These fundamentalist views are starting to spread to some Muslims who are born in the west. Watching slickly produced emotional videos on the Internet some people are fooled into thinking that the West is cause of all the world's troubles. "If it weren't for Western colonialism and their social habits, all Muslims would be better off" these people are told. (Kind of like when some politicians here say "All the immigrants are ruining our life in West". Sound like anyone you know?) Most Muslims can see through that faulty logic, but 1 or 2 per month cannot. And they do a lot of harm. I don't know what exactly motivated the Orlando killer. It may have been a personal rage against LGBT people or it may be anger against all things Western. What I do know is that he has hurt all of us. I am reminded of a passage in the Quran that says whoever kills someone, it is as if he has killed all of humanity and whoever saves a life, it is as if he has rescued all of humanity. My heart aches for those who have perished and their families, and I am ashamed that my fellow Muslim did this. It is time for all moderate Muslims to stand up and declare that these vigilantes do not speak for us. We all come from One Soul. And to that Soul we will all return.

And Lyn said....

Before the massacre on Sunday morning, June 12, in Orlando, Florida, I was a happy and secure gender variant polysexual queer. After these events I am slightly less secure. Perhaps my sense of safety was always an illusion. We may see positive incremental change in ninety-nine out of one hundred people, but what if that one extra person has a gun? We cannot live for them. We must live for the other ninety-nine, who are showing their true feelings now.

We are seeing an unprecedented dialogue between Queers and Muslims. LGBTIQ persons are warning against any retaliation on the Muslim community. Queers defending Muslims? When does that happen? When the veil drops revealing both communities are subjected to the same hostility. All oppressions are linked. By embracing this fact we may work together to discover the root causes of this fear and ignorance and address them positively.

There have been times when I have been subjected to overt prejudice. I have been transparently denied housing, I have experienced abuse at work, I have been yelled at in the street. When I was young I was bashed in situations where I had no power. Worse, I suffered from an internalized voice disparaging and condemning me. Now, I never leave the house without penciling in my eyebrows and checking my lipstick. I was born male but under no circumstances will I allow anyone to call me a ‘man.’ Truth be told, for some time now no one does. People automatically switch to feminine pronouns when they meet me for the first time. I am still looking for new pronouns beyond the gender binary.

While I credit part of this with the social evolution taking place in our culture. It also has to do with my own long struggle for self acceptance. Most people respond positively to those who are at home in their own skin, regardless of how differently they present to themselves. I have seen check out cashiers who used to scowl at me giving me warm smiles. Just by my existence I have triggered a process leading to their acceptance. While these personal steps help others farther back on their own journey, they are profoundly fortified by those who went before. Myself, and many others, stand on their shoulders. We now welcome bearing the next generation on ours. Despite this happy prognosis the work remains. Pockets of hatred and intolerance remain, individual and institutional. We must continue working to change these roadblocks to acceptance and understanding. We must not forget queers in other parts of the world, knowing nothing of the evolution in our society and living in fear, not only from their neighbours and families, but from the state itself.

We have known setbacks and, yes, tragedies. The Orlando massacre will stand out as one of the worst of this generation. This is because we have already come so far. Let us honour those who have fallen and support each other every step of the way.

Thank you Karim and Lyn. You matter. The victims of the Orlando massacre matter. We all matter.

Here are the names and ages of the people that died. My sincere condolences go out to their families and friends.

1.        Stanley Almodovar III, 23 years old
2.        Amanda Alvear, 25 years old
3.        Oscar A Aracena-Montero, 26 years old
4.        Rodolfo Ayala-Ayala, 33 years old
5.        Antonio Davon Brown, 29 years old
6.        Darryl Roman Burt II, 29 years old
7.        Angel L. Candelario-Padro, 28 years old
8.        Juan Chevez-Martinez, 25 years old
9.        Luis Daniel Conde, 39 years old
10.     Cory James Connell, 21 years old
11.     Tevin Eugene Crosby, 25 years old
12.     Deonka Deidra Drayton, 32 years old
13.     Simon Adrian Carrillo Fernandez, 31 years old
14.     Leroy Valentin Fernandez, 25 years old
15.     Mercedez Marisol Flores, 26 years old
16.     Peter O. Gonzalez-Cruz, 22 years old
17.     Juan Ramon Guerrero, 22 years old
18.     Paul Terrell Henry, 41 years old
19.     Frank Hernandez, 27 years old
20.     Miguel Angel Honorato, 30 years old
21.     Javier Jorge-Reyes, 40 years old
22.     Jason Benjamin Josaphat, 19 years old
23.     Eddie Jamoldroy Justice, 30 years old
24.     Anthony Luis Laureanodisla, 25 years old
25.     Christopher Andrew Leinonen, 32 years old
26.     Alejandro Barrios Martinez, 21 years old
27.     Brenda Lee Marquez McCool, 49 years old
28.     Gilberto Ramon Silva Menendez, 25 years old
29.     Kimberly Morris, 37 years old
30.     Akyra Monet Murray, 18 years old
31.     Luis Omar Ocasio-Capo, 20 years old
32.     Geraldo A. Ortiz-Jimenez, 25 years old
33.     Eric Ivan Ortiz-Rivera, 36 years old
34.     Joel Rayon Paniagua, 32 years old
35.     Jean Carlos Mendez Perez, 35 years old
36.     Enrique L. Rios, Jr., 25 years old
37.     Jean C. Nives Rodriguez, 27 years old
38.     Xavier Emmanuel Serrano Rosado, 35 years old
39.     Christopher Joseph Sanfeliz, 24 years old
40.     Yilmary Rodriguez Solivan, 24 years ol
41.     Edward Sotomayor Jr., 34 years old
42.     Shane Evan Tomlinson, 33 years old
43.     Martin Benitez Torres, 33 years old
44.     Jonathan Antonio Camuy Vega, 24 years old
45.     Juan P. Rivera Velazquez, 37 years old
46.     Luis S. Vielma, 22 years old
47.     Franky Jimmy Dejesus Velazquez, 50 years old
48. Luis Daniel Wilson-Leon, 37 years old
49. Jerald Arthur Wright, 31 years old

You Can't See the Frame When You're Part of the Picture

6/10/2016

I believe that we are all just somewhere on the continuum of health and dysfunction. Over the past 5 years I have read two books that illustrate that point very well. I read The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls and Nelson Mandela's autobiography. The Glass Castle is about a girl who grew up as a street person. Her parents and her family were squatters in abandoned homes and railway buildings and her father was an alcoholic. So clearly there were issues of dysfunction there. Yet at one point in the book, the Dad takes his daughter, on her birthday, out into the night. He asks her to look up into the sky and "pick a star.....any star". He tells her, "That is my gift for you. Whenever you look up at that star, I want you to think about how much I love you." Now I think that's a really loving and healthy thing to do when you have no money....don't you?

The other book I read was Nelson Mandela's autobiography. Now, there is no question that he is a spiritual leader for our time. To be able to fight for the rights of the black people, endure imprisonment, help to end apartheid, come out with compassion and love for his oppressors, and be able to rule the land and work alongside them is a spiritual feat that few of us would ever be able to traverse. However, the thought I remember having is that I could see him and his family coming in for family therapy….. because he chose the cause. There would have been other black men that he knew that would have refused to push back against apartheid the way he did, knowing that they would end up in jail and that they would not be there to participate in the raising of their children. It is possible that Nelson Mandela's children have anger and abandonment issues as a result of his choices. So I think we’re all just somewhere on the continuum of health and dysfunction, and none of us has it all figured out. I think we’re all healthy in some ways and not in others. What we need to remember is that for ALL of us, we can’t see the frame if we’re part of the picture. I believe we’re all doing the best we can with what we were given and the lessons are lifelong. We need to remember that our humanity matters more than our behaviour and we can always learn to do things differently. Here’s to building resilience, hope and joy….one day at a time!

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