I don’t know about you but I’ve made dozens of New Year’s Resolutions.  They rarely work.  They just cause me to feel badly about myself when I don’t follow through.  What works better for me is the idea of intention.  On a number of New Year’s Eve’s I’ve taken a hard look at my life and considered what is working for me and what isn’t in terms of the choices I’m presently making.  Then I make an intention about what I want to change and I evaluate what’s stopping me from moving in that direction.  Structure helps.  It doesn’t matter if what I want to change is work, friendships, habits…… or even relaxing more…… planning in ways that I can be accountable to myself about it makes a huge difference as to whether or not I’ll be successful.  This year my intention is to challenge myself to take a risk and be creative by writing these blog posts.  I am hoping they will ignite a sense of resilience, hope and joy.  

What about you?  Are you creating the life you want?  What would make it more enjoyable…..from the inside….not according to what other people’s judgments are.  Send me an email and let me know.  I’m hoping that 2014 is a year full of empowerment and joy for you and if it brings loss or hardship, I hope that you are surrounded by the love and support of family and friends.  

My favourite Christmas song is Amy Grant’s “My Grown Up Christmas Wish”.  She sings about the magic of sitting on Santa’s knee and dreaming of the presents he will bring to her on Christmas Day as a child.  Now as an adult she has a different Christmas List.  I cried when I first heard this song.  It’s about dreaming of a world where there are no more wars.  A world where everyone would have a friend.   Where ‘right’ would always win and love would never end. 

It strikes me right at my core and I always feel better when I hear it.  I know this time of year is difficult for many people because it can be so triggering re: losses in your life, cultural differences, hard memories and distance from family and friends.  As you celebrate Chanukah, Kwanzaa, Christmas or time with family…….I hope it is a time of peace.  I think that is what Amy Grant is really singing about.  And when I say peace, I don’t mean the sappy, unrealistic peace that is unattainable in our busy, conflicted culture.  I like the quote I heard once that says, “Peace is not to be in a place where there is no pain, trouble or hard work.  Peace is to be amidst that hardship and still feel calm in your heart.” (author unknown) 

It is in that vein that I wish you peace during this season. 

He is THE man and he is A man.  I’m always humbled by greatness.  He’s just a man.  Any one of us could have been born in his body and had his life.  Would I have made the same choices as he did?  Would I have had the courage and spiritual fortitude he did?  Whenever I hear of great men and women, I always think that they are just a person like me making choices about their life and circumstances and it is setting off a ripple effect on the world. 

He has the same number of hours in a day, the same daily needs and roughly the same life span as me….hopefully.  How did he manage to do what he did?  He’s just a man.  He’s not better or worse.  What make us different as people are the circumstances we are born into, the skills we choose to acquire and how much we choose to grow out of whatever impoverishment or abuse we’ve endured vs. defying the world with our anger because we have been abused.  He was a great man because his positive core values defined his actions.  And he didn’t just think about it or cry about it or preach about it….he lived it.  He fought for the rights of the black people in South Africa.  He stood by his convictions to the point where he was imprisoned for 27 years.  When he became President after being released, he showed that he was against oppression by fighting for the rights of the white people too.  He was against domination and oppression; he wasn’t against the individuals themselves who oppressed him.  He was against shaming people and he was for making things different.  His “Truth and Reconciliation” talks were revolutionary and so healing.  He never forgot his humanness, his vulnerability or his lack of perfection and would correct people when they tried to ‘saint-ify’ him.  He would say “I’m not a saint, unless a saint is a man who makes mistakes and keeps on trying”. 

He taught us by example to listen carefully to everyone including those that you disagree with.  He showed us that the choice and the thinking about your choices are what make you who you are.  If you are thinking about the ‘other guy’ and justifying your behaviour based upon that, then you are giving your power away.  He never gave his power away.  He thought about his goals and values and chose consciously what was important to him and the people he was fighting for and when it was important to compromise.    He exemplified the South African word, UMBUNTU, meaning…“we achieve ourselves by being ourselves and sharing ourselves with the world.”  He quoted Marianne Williamson in his inaugural speech when he became President, saying, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness that scares us.  It does not serve the world to keep yourself small.”  Let your light shine as he did…..the world deserves it. 

So, I’m going to try and write a blog.  This is COMPLETELY against my character to date.  I am NOT a writer.  I am a therapist, a cheerleader, a wife, a step-mother, a business owner, a fitness instructor, and a person on my own journey learning the lessons I haven’t learned yet……but until now I have most certainly NOT been a writer. 

In my wildest dreams I never thought I would be sitting here writing things down and thinking that people would want to read them.  I have not found writing a comfortable and authentic modality for expressing my thoughts and feelings.  However, I have a style of working that I tend to present people with metaphors in order for them to internalize a lesson or concept at a deeper level.  More than once I have heard people say to me that they have come in to get a “Lee-ism” for them to reflect upon and give them strength as they struggle through a situation.  They have requested that I put these stories down for them to be able to reread. 

So…I’m hoping that putting them down on paper will remind me of the perspectives I want to maintain while I deal with my own life and hopefully will support those of you reading them with ideas that will fortify you as you deal with your life.  I am happy to hear your stories too.  If you have a story that you think would be helpful in teaching people how to cope while going through this complicated thing call ‘life’ then please don’t hesitate to call me or write me.   To answer Oprah’s question, “What I know for sure is that we are all just building resilience one day at a time.”   

p.s. I have no idea how often I'll be inspired to sit down and write.  I have no plan to write one post per week or anything like that.  But you will get my "Lee-isms" as they come to me! 

For many, the holiday season looms ahead and is anticipated with dread instead of excitement.  The myth of peace, love and joy to all  "and to all a good night" works well for companies marketing their wares, however it puts salt in the wound for those of us that may be suffering from grief and loss or going through other difficult times.  The reality is that the holiday season is really hard for lots of people. 
 
For many, our goal is just to survive the holidays.  Holidays underscore the losses in our lives.  We may be grieving the loss of loved one who has died and wondering how to cope without them.  For those of us in that category, constant daily reminders will include more public events such as parties and gift exchanges.  We already deal with frequent reminders of our loss every time we look at our loved ones favorite chair or watch their favorite show.  However, holiday celebrations are a way of marking our emotional connection.  Gifts from others can be an external mirror of how well people know and love us.  To not be able to share these events or gifts reminds us of the permanence of our loss. 
 
We may instead suffer from ambiguous losses, such as: loving someone who suffers from an addiction; dealing with divorce; being isolated from your family as a result of emotional, physical or sexual abuse;  dealing with chronic illness or Alzheimers; or being bombarded with Christmas culture when you are part of a non-Christian religion, which may leave you with feelings of oppression or not belonging.  For people dealing with ambiguous loss, the feelings and triggers may be the same as those that have lost a person through death, yet the topic is more private or complicated, so the stress of your loss may not be supported by family and friends to the same degree.
 
Regardless of whether you find yourself dealing with ambiguous loss or a more recognized loss, here are some suggestions:
 
 1.     Realize that the anticipation of pain is always worse than the actual eventual pain.  Our thoughts affect our feelings, and vice versa.  Controlling your thoughts and learning to be mindful and stay in the moment are important skills. 
 
2.     Be kind to yourself.  Don't expect yourself to function to your full capacity at this time - processing feelings can be exhausting.  For example: break tasks into smaller chunks;  give yourself permission to not have to stay for the entire party;  buy something to take to a potluck instead of making it yourself.  Be realistic about what is possible rather than what you would like to be able to accomplish or do.
 
3.     Accept your feelings.  Don't judge them.  Sadness and tears are normal, and you don't have to take care of others by pretending that you are not sad.  At the same time, it is okay to let yourself be happy, to enjoy happy memories and to make new ones.  Feelings of sadness and happiness are all valid.  You are not betraying your loved one if you let yourself be in the moment and not in the past with them.  Be in the moment and let it be what it is.
 
4.     Plan for the holidays with those that are closest to you.  Decide which traditions are important to keep under these circumstances and which you want to change or let go.  Make yourself the priority and decide what you think you are capable of to make the season meaningful and bearable.
 
5.     Don't be afraid of change.  Altering old traditions slightly can take the pressure off the absence of your loved one.  In one family that had suffered divorce, the Mom put a note in the bottom of the stockings...."You don't have to pretend that it is the same this year....let's have a picnic dinner on the family room floor".  This meant that they wouldn't have to spend Christmas dinner without Dad at the head of the table.  The same can be done for other routines: which foods get cooked; when the gifts are opened or which family member hosts the celebrations.
 
6.     Make a list of all the tasks, and break them down.  Ask friends for help.  You will have some good days and some hard days.  Planning in advance helps you to feel in control.  It gives you choices about when you want to try things, and how much you want to try to handle.