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I'm eating humble pie as we head into 2017...

12/28/2016

So here we are in the midst of this culture's biggest holiday season and most people are talking about how much food they've consumed, how much socializing they've done and how many gifts they've given and received.....including me! And now it's time.....after having eaten lots of pumpkin pie....for me to eat 'humble pie'.

These blog posts are my commitment to you and an honouring of our relationship.....whether you are coming in to see me or not. I have committed to remember you and provide you with musings and information that help to create resilience and hope if you are struggling with things and you're experiencing 'bumps in the road'. And during the very week that is hardest for most people.....I forgot.

I'm sorry. That's all I've got. Seriously. I could make excuses about how busy it's been etc etc, but really, that's just 'stuff'. You matter and my commitment to these blog posts matters and it didn't scream loud enough to supercede my attention being drawn to all of the material things instead. And besides....."I'm sorry with excuses' just feels inauthentic and is lousy to experience on the receiving end .

Yes. I will forgive myself. As I have said often, that is the only way that we move forward. Notice. Forgive. Learn. Decide. Then choose to move forward having integrated the new lesson.

This has inspired me too re: my blog posts for 2017. Mindfulness. As we continue to live in a culture of 'hurry up', 'do more', 'be perfect', 'pretend everything is fine', 'buy more' and negate the importance of our relationship to ourselves and each other.....it continues to be difficult to 'swim upstream' against these constructs and make mindful choices.

So, my 2017 blog posts will be dedicated to mindfulness!

Stay tuned and here's to a more mindful, and hopefully more joyful, New Year as a result.

My Grown Up Christmas List

12/16/2016

My favourite Christmas song is Amy Grant’s “My Grown Up Christmas Wish”. She sings about the magic of sitting on Santa’s knee and dreaming of the presents he will bring to her on Christmas Day as a child. Now as an adult she has a different Christmas List. I cried when I first heard this song. It’s about dreaming of a world where there are no more wars. A world where everyone would have a friend. Where ‘right’ would always win and love would never end.

It strikes me right at my core and I always feel better when I hear it. I know this time of year is difficult for many people because it can be so triggering re: losses in your life, cultural differences, hard memories and distance from family and friends. As you celebrate Chanukah, Kwanzaa, Christmas or time with family…….I hope it is a time of peace. I think that is what Amy Grant is really singing about. And when I say peace, I don’t mean the sappy, unrealistic peace that is unattainable in our busy, conflicted culture. I like the following quote:

It is in that vein that I wish you peace during this season.

Do You Hear What I Hear?

12/9/2016

The Christmas Carol “Do you hear what I hear” has the line in it …“said the little lamb to the shepherd boy ‘Do you hear what I hear?’”. It always makes me chuckle inside because after working as a Marriage and Family Therapist for 21 years I often think…..”well???.....probably not!!!” lol I think in our lives we are often ‘waiting to talk’ rather than listening. People are not ‘parking’ their own thoughts, ideas, and agendas at the back of their minds while they listen to and really try to understand their partner’s perspective. They are doing the equivalent of “…..yayayayayyaya….BUT…… I think…”. Now don’t get me wrong….. I don’t think you always have to agree with the other person’s perspective but everyone deserves to be listened to. (This, of course, is a completely different scenario if there is abuse of power or ‘crazymaking’ happening where one or both people are denying responsibility for their behaviour to protect their self-esteem.)

It’s just that in our reactive, hurry up, competitive world people are so busy trying to ‘win the argument’ and be ‘right’ that they lose sight of the person at the other end of the conversation. In order to have a healthy conversation or disagreement both people have to be able to think AND feel and talk, AND listen. If you are getting reactive then take a ‘time out’ to calm yourself. During your time-out do things that will help to calm you and affirm that you are capable of listening and talking and thinking and feeling at the same time. It may be taking a deep breath, journalling or going for a walk. If you are really angry it may be running or punching a punching bag. It is not about leaving and not coming back or avoiding the issue. (That is equivalent to a *%#@ and prevents the building of trust.) And it is not spending the time coming up with better arguments. (Which, again, is not about building trust.) The goal of a time out is to get yourself into a state of compassion and connection with the other person. The message that taking a ‘time-out’ signals to your partner that you are working on being in control of yourself for the benefit of them, and the relationship.

When you do reconnect to talk, try repeating back what you think you heard and ask them if you got it right. People get into relationships to be affirmed and validated, not to be made wrong. Affirm that they have a right to their perspective before stating yours. If things derail again and you need to….. take another time-out and try again….and again….and again….and again!!! With practise it gets easier to focus on what you have control of, which is yourself, and not the other person.

Do you hear what I hear.. sung by Home Free
www.youtube.com/watch?v=wIQQDYaoWpc

Get me through December so I can start again....a practical guide to the season.

12/2/2016

THE HOLIDAYS ARE COMING...AREN'T YOU EXCITED?

For many, the holiday season looms ahead and is anticipated with dread instead of excitement. The myth of peace, love and joy to all "and to all a good night" works well for companies marketing their wares, however it puts salt in the wound for people that may be suffering from grief and loss or going through other difficult times. The reality is that the holiday season is really hard for lots of people.

For many, the goal is just to survive the holidays. Holidays underscore the losses life. We may be grieving the loss of loved one who has died and wondering how to cope without them. For people in that category, constant daily reminders will include more public events such as parties and gift exchanges. We already deal with frequent reminders of our loss every time we look at our loved ones favorite chair or watch their favorite show. However, holiday celebrations are a way of marking our emotional connection. Gifts from others can be an external mirror of how well people know and love us. To not be able to share these events or gifts reminds us of the permanence of our loss.

We may instead suffer from ambiguous losses, such as: loving someone who suffers from an addiction; dealing with divorce; being isolated from your family as a result of emotional, physical or sexual abuse; dealing with chronic illness or Alzheimers; or being bombarded with Christmas culture when you are part of a non-Christian religion, which may leave you with feelings of oppression or not belonging. For people dealing with ambiguous loss, the feelings and triggers may be the same as those that have lost a person through death, yet the topic is more private or complicated, so the stress of your loss may not be supported by family and friends to the same degree.

Regardless of whether you find yourself dealing with ambiguous loss or a more recognized loss, here are some suggestions:

1.     Realize that the anticipation of pain is always worse than the actual eventual pain. Our thoughts affect our feelings, and vice versa. Controlling your thoughts and learning to be mindful and stay in the moment are important skills.

2.     Be kind to yourself. Don't expect yourself to function to your full capacity at this time - processing feelings can be exhausting. For example: break tasks into smaller chunks; give yourself permission to not have to stay for the entire party; buy something to take to a potluck instead of making it yourself. Be realistic about what is possible rather than what you would like to be able to accomplish or do.

3.     Accept your feelings. Don't judge them. Sadness and tears are normal, and you don't have to take care of others by pretending that you are not sad. At the same time, it is okay to let yourself be happy, to enjoy happy memories and to make new ones. Feelings of sadness and happiness are all valid. You are not betraying your loved one if you let yourself be in the moment and not in the past with them. Be in the moment and let it be what it is.

4.     Plan for the holidays with those that are closest to you. Decide which traditions are important to keep under these circumstances and which you want to change or let go. Make yourself the priority and decide what you think you are capable of to make the season meaningful and bearable.

5.     Don't be afraid of change. Altering old traditions slightly can take the pressure off the absence of your loved one. In one family that had suffered divorce, the Mom put a note in the bottom of the stockings...."You don't have to pretend that it is the same this year....let's have a picnic dinner on the family room floor". This meant that they wouldn't have to spend Christmas dinner without Dad at the head of the table. The same can be done for other routines: which foods get cooked; when the gifts are opened or which family member hosts the celebrations.

6.     Make a list of all the tasks, and break them down. Ask friends for help. You will have some good days and some hard days. Planning in advance helps you to feel in control. It gives you choices about when you want to try things, and how much you want to try to handle.

This is Alison Krauss's beautiful "Get me through December".
youtu.be/EB5mHI4WXn8

I'm eating humble pie as we head into 2017...

﻿My Grown Up Christmas List

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Get me through December so I can start again....a practical guide to the season.

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My Grown Up Christmas List