So the instructor of a spin class I was at recently asked everyone in the class what their favourite quote was. One man said "If we win this thing then we walk together forever". Awesome....that guy'll be married for a long time! And that is because the art of negotiating is one of the main skills that a couple needs to be able to maintain their relationship over the long haul. And if what you are aiming for is for BOTH of you to win, then you are laughing all the way to the 'death do us part' bank.
However, this is a concept that isn't understood or modeled very much in our society. When couples come in to see me and they are having difficulties over issues , one or the other or BOTH parties will present that they are 'right' and the other person is 'wrong'. I will often take an object nearby and say "if this is the problem then you two are fighting for who gets to define it (placing it between them) vs. working together to solve this thing that is not either of you (positioning them together looking out towards the issue) Both people have to see every issue as something for them both to feel good about at the end of the discussion. If one or the other is trying to 'win', then the other party will harbour resentment and the anger will get stored and come out in another way or ......eventually.....that person will get so frustrated and angry that they leave.
This is both of your lives. If you want your partner to trust you then you need to show them that you care that they are happy and satisfied with the outcomes of your decisions together. It's teamwork. And teamwork is about solving problems about the external forces that are impacting upon your relationship together, not competing with each other. Negotiate your differences and figure out how you can create a life that will make both of you happy. Listen and make sure you are hearing and validating the other person's perspective more than you are trying to get your point across. People get into relationships to be connected to, loved, listened to and validated. Each discussion is an opportunity to do that or not.....and, ultimately, the choice you make will determine the outcome of your relationship. And if you win this thing then you'll walk together forever!
It doesn’t matter how old I get September still feels like the beginning of a New Year. I think it’s because when you grow up the kids still have to go back to school. If you don’t have kids then you still have lots of meetings and regular things that get cancelled in the summer, to make time for the holidays, sunshine and a little chillaxin’! So at this time of year it can feel a little like gearing up for routines and ‘busy’-ness. If you want to cope with the transition realistically then focus on the positives of what you get out of routine and structure. (ie. seeing people regularly, making money, security, sense of purpose and place in the world, learning new skills etc etc) Predict how things will be different and what you will need to cope. If you are someone who thrives on summertime schedules and a lack of structure, then make sure you build ‘do whatever you want’ time into the schedule. We all need to be productive and we all need to relax and have ‘me’ time. It’s just that the different seasons tend to emphasize these needs differently. Thinking about and planning for transitions helps them to go more smoothly. Besides, no matter how old we are, we are all still in this classroom called life and there is always something more to learn. Empowerment comes from being able to think and feel at the same time. Studies show that the more you learn, the greater your chance of success and high self-esteem. So on that note, I hope you all had a wonderful Labour Day weekend and a Happy ‘Back to School’New Year!!!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHpKMF0yH04&feature=youtu.be
However, this is a concept that isn't understood or modeled very much in our society. When couples come in to see me and they are having difficulties over issues , one or the other or BOTH parties will present that they are 'right' and the other person is 'wrong'. I will often take an object nearby and say "if this is the problem then you two are fighting for who gets to define it (placing it between them) vs. working together to solve this thing that is not either of you (positioning them together looking out towards the issue) Both people have to see every issue as something for them both to feel good about at the end of the discussion. If one or the other is trying to 'win', then the other party will harbour resentment and the anger will get stored and come out in another way or ......eventually.....that person will get so frustrated and angry that they leave.
This is both of your lives. If you want your partner to trust you then you need to show them that you care that they are happy and satisfied with the outcomes of your decisions together. It's teamwork. And teamwork is about solving problems about the external forces that are impacting upon your relationship together, not competing with each other. Negotiate your differences and figure out how you can create a life that will make both of you happy. Listen and make sure you are hearing and validating the other person's perspective more than you are trying to get your point across. People get into relationships to be connected to, loved, listened to and validated. Each discussion is an opportunity to do that or not.....and, ultimately, the choice you make will determine the outcome of your relationship. And if you win this thing then you'll walk together forever!
It doesn’t matter how old I get September still feels like the beginning of a New Year. I think it’s because when you grow up the kids still have to go back to school. If you don’t have kids then you still have lots of meetings and regular things that get cancelled in the summer, to make time for the holidays, sunshine and a little chillaxin’! So at this time of year it can feel a little like gearing up for routines and ‘busy’-ness. If you want to cope with the transition realistically then focus on the positives of what you get out of routine and structure. (ie. seeing people regularly, making money, security, sense of purpose and place in the world, learning new skills etc etc) Predict how things will be different and what you will need to cope. If you are someone who thrives on summertime schedules and a lack of structure, then make sure you build ‘do whatever you want’ time into the schedule. We all need to be productive and we all need to relax and have ‘me’ time. It’s just that the different seasons tend to emphasize these needs differently. Thinking about and planning for transitions helps them to go more smoothly. Besides, no matter how old we are, we are all still in this classroom called life and there is always something more to learn. Empowerment comes from being able to think and feel at the same time. Studies show that the more you learn, the greater your chance of success and high self-esteem. So on that note, I hope you all had a wonderful Labour Day weekend and a Happy ‘Back to School’New Year!!!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHpKMF0yH04&feature=youtu.be
RSS Feed
