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Hope & The Hardship of Being a Single Dad in our Culture

2/23/2018

mage by Pixaby

With the 'Me Too' campaign in full swing, I think it is difficult for men to navigate and TEACH their children how to 'claim power' without overstepping and/or disempowering their children.....especially the girls!

I think that the most loving thing you can do is honour their boundaries from a very young age. If they say they don't want a hug then it's important to hear that. It's important to teach children that if someone is telling you that they love you then their words need to match their behaviour. Make watching TV shows and spotting the incongruence a game so that they get practiced around identifying when someone's behaviour doesn't match their words. Point out that no one is perfect and then reinforce it positively when you see a celebrity or movie character apologize and change their behaviour. That's love. They are thinking about the other person rather than defending their right to have behaved that way. All of these things are 'teachable moments' that help kids to know when they see and experience real love vs charm or entitlement. Love that is authentic is the important thing to learn. Any kind of relationship where two living beings are connected. Love can be from you to your dog or towards a friend. Anyone to anyone. Connecting positively is one of the most important things that you can do for your mental health. Solid scientific evidence shows that social relationships affect a range of health outcomes, including mental health, physical health and mortality risk. (National Library of Medicine: Debora Umberson and Jennifer Karas Montez) So have a strategy about how you will send love into the world and let the world love you back.

You deserve that. We all do!

Here is an article written by Daniel Sherwin about how to cope with the stress of being a single Dad.....

How to Remain Resilient and Handle Stress as a Single Dad Today

Of all the things that I am, I list being a dad first. My kids are the best things in my life, and that’s why I work so hard to be the best dad that I can be. But, I have to be honest—making the transition to being a single dad was hell. This is a balancing act that I don’t always win. But, I do my best, and I’ve learned how to be a better person and a better dad so that my kids can grow up happy.

Making the Transition

Realizing that I wasn’t going to have as much time as I wanted with my kids was the worst part of my divorce. I didn’t want to go a day without seeing them, and I worried about how they would handle living between two homes. I wanted them to like my new place just as much as our old house, and I wasn’t sure if they would miss their mom and their old rooms and be miserable during their time with me.

I stressed about everything. I didn’t know if I should try to replicate their rooms or make brand-new rooms for them. I finally ended up letting them decide how to set up and decorate their rooms at my new place because I figured it would be a project we could work on together. I wanted them to take pride in helping me paint and build shelves and make their rooms exactly how they wanted them. It also gave us something to focus on and distracted us from the fact that things weren’t no
Wrmal for our family. If you’re looking for projects to do with your kids, check out this list from Instructables.

It was important to me to keep the rules and expectations the same, at least as much as possible. My kids do better with structure and routine, and it’s even more important for them to have that during a time of upheaval. Even though I’m not a morning person, I make sure that I get up before my kids do and help them get ready for school. They have spots in my new place for their backpacks and school work because I want to help them stay organized, since I’m usually totally unorganized. I also want them to know that their education matters to me, too.

We also set up a family calendar in my new place. This was another totally new thing for me, but I wanted the kids to write their special events and activities on our calendar so they knew that I would be there for them. We also plan fun things to do together next time, so we all have something to look forward to. I thought this was something I was doing for them, but the truth is, it ends up helping me more than it helps them. When they’re with their mom, I’m lonely. I hate missing out on their daily lives. I hate having them wonder if I’m going to show up at their next game or practice, since I’m not the one driving them there.

Dealing With the Loneliness

The loneliness is the thing that I hate most. When the kids are with me, the house is full of noise. It’s too quiet when they aren’t here. That’s also the time when I struggle the most to avoid feeling guilty and being depressed.

In the beginning, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I started drinking more and felt lost. It took awhile for me to cope with how I was feeling, and it took awhile to realize that I needed some support. I found a support group for single dads, and once I talked myself into going, I was glad that I did. I talked with other guys who felt like I did and who made a lot of the same mistakes. I learned that having a support system helps me be a better dad, and I definitely appreciate having a place to vent my anger, guilt, and frustration. I attend the support group when it’s not my turn with the kids, so I have something to look forward to and something to fill the lonely times.

Coping With Stress

All parents deal with stress. But, I feel like it’s more stressful for me now that I’m a single dad because I worry about so much more stuff. I worry that the kids aren’t going to want to leave their mom to spend time with me. I worry that they blame me. I worry that I’m being too hard on them because I’m frustrated with the situation. I worry about how safe and happy they are since I don’t see them every day. That’s the problem, really. I worry about everything a lot more now because I don’t spend each day with them.

Like I said, I dealt with the stress at first by drinking too much. It was easy to fill the time that I wasn’t spending with my kids with alcohol. But, it wasn’t a good time for me. I got lonelier and more depressed, and I knew I had to cut back. The support group helped me find other ways to cope with stress. Just talking about things instead of drinking made me feel a little better.

I also started feeling better when I started taking better care of myself. I joined a gym, and it helps a lot. Going to the gym has become part of my routine, and I listen to music and work out to distract myself. I relax better after I work out, too. Relieving stress in these healthier ways is making me a better person, and that makes me a better dad. I run with some of the guys from my support group, and that helps me stay focused and relieves stress, too.

Being a single dad is a challenge. Making the transition wasn’t easy, but my kids and I are okay. We are making a new normal, together. I’m finding healthy ways to cope with loneliness and stress, too. I want to be a good role model for my kids, and I know that participating in the support group and taking care of myself are helping me reach that goal.

Thank you so much Daniel! Such amazing insights and advise from first hand experience. It is not uncommon AT ALL to turn to drinking and isolating when things shift to single parenting and it's common for parent's to report that the weeks that parents don't have their kids are the WORST! It's really good to hear that joining a support group actually helps with those stresses. I also loved that you chose to parent from your values and were clear enough to keep the expectations and structure the same. Often parents will gravitate towards parenting out of guilt. Normal, however, not ideal. Nothing a truck load of patience and grace and self-care can't cure. Although it's hard to maintain structure and give yourself that much grace and time for self-care when you're tired and grieving.

Do your best. That's all we can ever do when life throws those left turns. Know that others are going through similar situations and feeling similar to what you are feeling. Above all know that you matter and are loveable and good enough no matter what is going on in your life.

Lee

Here is John Mayer's song 'Father's be good to your daughters' Enjoy!
https://youtu.be/rZLbUIa7exE

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Hope and the Hardship of having a Double Mastectomy

2/16/2018

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So I'd like you to meet my friend Allison. We met teaching together at the Y and went to fitness conferences together for years. She is a positive ray of light in the world. And that's what you'll see if you go to her as a personal trainer at the Stork Family Y. However, what you won't know, if you meet her, is her back story.... because she would be way too humble to tell you. Reading her story will help you to understand why I think she is SO awesome and resilient......and why I want to highlight her story for my blog post this week. Because, to me, this is a true Valentines story. Love isn't just about what the marketing tells us it is or should be. It isn't about the chocolates, the gifts or even about whether you have a partner in life. Love is about how you show up for the people in your life and what you give to each other and endure together.

My experience of Breast Cancer and Bi-Lateral Mastectomy
By: Allison Walsh

Ever since my lymphoma diagnosis in 1996, I have been consciously and sub-consciously waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop. In 2012, it dropped. The initial diagnosis dfrom my family doctor was DCIS, Ductal Carcinoma in Situ. My first reaction was complete terror. Even though I had survived one form of cancer, I didn't know anything about DCIS and assumed it was bad. However, after my husband and I did some research and discovered that DCIS is pre-cancer growth and can be treated, I began to calm down and focus on a plan of action. I found that when I was diagnosed with lymphoma, having a plan was critical: mentally and emotionally. I was sent to a breast cancer surgeon who confirmed the diagnosis and added that the DCIS in my right breast was very spread-out so the surgeon was recommending a mastectomy. Because i had lymphoma in my left breast in 1996, my decision ws to have a bi-lateral mastectomy. Not an easy decision to make, but dure to prior radiation to the left breast, if I did get something down the road, I would have to have it removed. So, my husband and I decided both should be done at one time.

Prior to surgery, it was difficult to imagine my body without breasts. I started looking on the internet and in magazines for photos of women who have undergone mastectomy surgeries. A friend of mine brought over a fitness magazine that highlighted an athlete with no breasts. It made me feel a lot better to see this. I knew I didn't want reconstructive surgery, even though my surgeon was encouraging me to do so. I felt it would be more invasive surgery and might result in some limitations in the use of certain muscles. And even though you know what will happen to your body, it is difficult to actually see it. I remember soon after surgery, I didn't want to look in the mirror for quite some time. I just wasn't ready to see my new body. When I finally did look, it wasn't so bad. Long horizontal scars were where my breasts used to be. But it was weird!!!

I know from my own prior experience and as a Personal Trainer that going into surgery strong is a good indicator to coming through surgery strong and recovering well. I really believe this, so before my surgery date I was doing a lot of strength training and cardio. I wanted to feel as strong as possible. Not always an easy thing to do, especially if you're not used to working out. But it did pay off, as my recovery was fairly easy (besides one or two setbacks).

A strong support system is very important. People with whom I could talk to about the surgery, the change in my body as a result of the bi-lateral mastectomy, and the pitfalls faced during the recovery process. In a show of support, my daughter made me a chest with 2 breasts made out of felt. It was like a stuffie of my former breasts! I kept it on my bed for many years and still have it. ....... It is a reminder of all that I went through.

Thank you so much Allison! You are an inspiration! And I have watched how you and Dev and the kids have tackled this together as a team. I remember the text I got from Dev and your daughter, informing your friends about your situation and asking for our support. Those skills of showing support by making the felt breasts and asking for help from the wider community are so important! Not to mention the exercise. Mentally and emotionally exercise helped prep you and aided your recovery from all of this. You. Are. Amazing.

Your families story is a true love story.

So Happy Valentines Day everyone! Call or write all of your friends and family and tell them about the times that they have shown love to you and how it mattered in helping you to get through hard times. We don't do life alone. No one does. But it's when the rubber hits the road, during hard times, not always the romance, that shows what love is.

Wanna see someone fall in love with his wife again after surgery?
www.youtube.com/watch?v=f8cDa3VbXPY&feature=youtu.be

So this is what love looks like.....

And for people with mental health issues love may look like this.....

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Hope and the Hardship of Being Transgendered

2/9/2018

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My inner Marylin Monroe
by Lyn McGinnis

Living as a gender-variant person in a society that still has issues with any sort of variance from cis gender heterosexuality can be a challenge. Mainstream culture does not distinguish between gender and sexuality. This leaves a broad spectrum of identity and behaviour out of the human imagination, and many people suffering with fear and doubt.

In my teens and twenties, I chose one route to peace, through conformity. I dressed and acted the way I thought I was supposed to. This led to a miserable life where I fooled no one, especially the person I furtively saw in the mirror. This face was always filled with confusion and self loathing. Mainstream society did not reward me for my efforts, but saw through the sham and punished me for it.

While there were many tentative steps along the path of self acceptance, one seminal moment stands out. I also identify as bisexual and polysexual. As a young adult this aspect of my life blossomed and one evening I was at a party. There were several bleached blondes like myself in attendance and given this home was filled with all sorts of drag paraphernalia we decided to have a Marylin Monroe lookalike contest. We had everything we needed and there was a flurry of activity to squeeze into outfits, pluck eyebrows, glue on eyelashes, slather on lipstick et cetera. I was focused on separate items up until we had the contest — which I won! The revelation did not come until I went into the washroom, where there was a full-length mirror. I looked at this glorious apparition and it was as if heavy weights on my shoulders dropped off. It truly was a physical as well as emotional release of tension and distress. I would call this a defining moment in my personal history.

It also brought a life challenge into sharp relief. I suddenly loved the person in the mirror, and by doing so I had declared war on mainstream society. Part of this war involved figuring out why I was in this position. This involved reading and research, it also involved growing a political and social consciousness. Resilience is not only a matter of persisting in the face of opposition. It has to have a root, a source of value exceeding the easy path of conformity. I found that my ‘inner Marylin Monroe’ could stand up to all the bland, ignorant and fearful controlling faces around me. Once she looked back at them from inside my eyes, they averted theirs and the truth was revealed — the majority had no power over me!

While a lot of this work was done alone, the true source of my strength has always been community. I came out as bisexual and then again as transgender, although I prefer gender variant and gender queer now. I know some people are uncomfortable with the term ‘queer.’ This is because this used to be a slur used by homophobes against us. The point of our using this term now is our taking this on is an act of empowerment. By saying not only “why yes, I AM queer!” you take the intended shame and turn it into pride, when groups shout out “We’re here! We’re Queer! Get used to it!” you turn the term meant to indicate weakness into one of power.

I am a proud member of our LGBTIQ community. This acronym translates into Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Intersex, QUEER. Our alphabet soup of letters take different forms with different users, more letters and numbers may be added or less. That is diversity for you. This diversity ensures we remain open minded and adaptable. It means we bring different perspectives and strengths to the table. In North America our community grew out of the 1960s liberation movements around us, the Civil Rights movement, the Women’s Liberation Movement especially. One phrase that stuck with me from this era was “The personal is political!” This is the quintessence of the dilemma of finding personal peace meaning your life becomes a social challenge.

This community worked through many challenges. Up to the 1950s to be anything other than ‘normal’ was taboo. The church condemned us. The police and courts punished us. The medical profession ‘pathologized’ us. One individual could do nothing facing such odds. A community, filled with courageous, brilliant and committed activists, coming at these institutions from every angle, could erode and break down the ignorant and hateful pillars of these seemingly unassailable fortresses.

What may surprise some is beneath this united challenge to external threats, our community has often been wracked by internal dissension. When I came out as bisexual at a GLOW meeting at the University of Waterloo, I was not greeted with universal acceptance. Notwithstanding our experience with straight society, narrow, dogmatic, exclusionary thinking could still be found within our community. Gays and lesbians sometimes had an uneasy relationship with each other and usually split off into separate groups. Both were initially suspicious of bisexuals, calling them ‘fence sitters.’ Everyone agreed to laugh behind the backs of gender variant persons. On two fronts I found mixed reception to my B and T nature. While a great deal has changed and newer generations are far more open to the full diversity of our community, pockets of resistance remain.

We have come a long way, the horrors of present-day homophobic Russia and many other intolerant countries in Africa and Asia are no longer in force here in North America. This is because we have persisted in our struggle. For me, true resilience comes from personal clarity and community engagement. We are social beings and have the best life in community with others. That said, I still bat my ‘inner Marylin Monroe’ eyes at you and smile!

Thanks Lyn! You are one of the most authentic, congruent people I know! And to have travelled the road to that level of authenticity in this culture that judges and condemns daily is truely remarkable!

I think lots of people will understand the choice of a route to peace through conformity, however, it doesn't bring true inner peace. True inner peace means being truely rooted in oneself. That means that your values, behaviour, thoughts and words reflect who you are and who you choose to be. A lot of people choose who they are based upon the culture around them. (Ie. fashion choices, careers, hobbies, size of house etc etc) However, you can only be at PEACE if this reflects what matters to you as a value inside.

So go outside and be who you are! That's what this world needs.....more people being authentically themselves and experiencing the inner peace that comes with that. Stop judging, both yourself and those around you. It leads to nothing that will grow in a healthy way. Well....try anyway. If you catch yourself judging then the first rule of resilience is always to have grace and forgiveness towards yourself and then.....just like with addictions to substances and not just thoughts.... you have to live 'One Day at a time'....and try again!

And for an enjoyable and allied response to trans people who serve in the military, here is James Cordon's response to Trump's decision to not allow transgendered individuals to serve in the military!

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Hope and the Hardship of Dealing with someone's Alcoholism

2/2/2018

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“I wish you were here right now” is a sentence that runs through my head every other week. I wish you were here so I could tell you about my day. I wish you were here to see your daughter grow into a miniature version of you. Tragically, the reality is that you aren’t here.
I remember the day you passed just like it was yesterday; it’s imprinted into my mind. It was a gloomy Tuesday, and I randomly got pulled out of school by my parents. When I got in the car, they were crying and explained to me that my cousin was in a coma and that we needed to drive up to see her. I quickly packed a bag, and we were off.
When I got to the hospital, I was greeted by my aunt, uncle, and some family friends. I asked why she had been admitted and was told due to a brain aneurism, which was strange due to no past medical history. I was told that I needed to brace myself before I went into her room because she did not look like her normal self. I walked into the hospital room and saw her laying there with tubes in her nose and throat; she looked swollen and somewhat yellow with a hint of blue; I knew deep in my heart an aneurism wasn’t why she was there.
The second I saw my aunt collapse to the ground, I knew my cousin had passed. The next few hours were the worst of my life. We waited until everyone arrived, and we each got to say bye to her one by one. After our goodbyes, we all walked to the hospital lobby where I met my cousin’s daughter Savannah for the first time. Holding her was the strangest, most comforting connection I have ever had to another person. Here I was meeting her for the first time, while I just said goodbye to her mom for the last.
A week later, we had the funeral, ate dinners, received condolences, had flowers delivered, everything the typical “after grieving” process entails. I still could not believe that my perfectly healthy and happy cousin had passed due to a brain aneurism. Her passing seemed to bring my family together for a short period of time. I was in counseling so it really helped to be able to see my therapist each week and talk about her death and brainstorm ways for me to cope. I would try and talk to my aunt and uncle as much as possible, but the pain in their voices was unbearable. I coped by staying busy; doing theatre in high school kept me on my toes as well as AP classes and different school clubs. I had more than enough to keep me busy. I even coped by getting my first tattoo to honor my grandmother and cousin! I was doing anything I could to distract myself of the situation.
Amber’s death did not add up to me. A few months after she had passed, my mom and dad sat me down and explained that my cousin did not die from what my aunt and uncle told everyone. She had died of alcohol poisoning. “WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME? I COULD HAVE HELPED,” is all I kept thinking in my head. Did everyone in my family know except me? Is this why my cousin had pulled away from our family? I was filled with emotion and did not understand why my aunt and uncle would lie to everyone, especially their close family members. There would never have been any judgment, just compassion, but they obviously felt like there was a reason to lie.
Then, everything started to add up. Why WOULD they tell me or anyone in my family? My uncle was an active alcoholic, and the entire family knew, though everyone always stayed quiet about it, I found troubling once I got to high school. At holidays, birthdays, and parties, alcohol was always heavily involved. I didn’t notice any of this throughout my life because I was always the baby, and all the substance abuse was always very discreet. As I got into high school, I started noticing the drinking more and more and was aware of the level of alcohol that everyone would consume. I suddenly flashed back to all the alcohol, anger, fights and slurred words at our family gatherings and realized there was an underlying issue. My cousin grew up in a house where drinking was normalized and where the drinking age didn’t matter. I was informed that they were considered the “fun” aunt and uncle because whenever my sister would stay at their house there was drinking involved. I put myself in my cousin’s shoes, and I wonder how I would be after growing up in an alcoholic environment.
I was so angry that Amber had never reached out to me about her addiction. I felt regret that I did not call her as much, but she not call me either. The last few years before she died, she somewhat pulled away from our family, and I remembered times when all I wanted was for her to be with us. Little did I know she was battling an addiction that would soon kill her. I felt guilty for sneaking off and drinking at parties after she passed and would often find myself avoiding anything with alcohol. I felt so overwhelmed by so many different emotions.
I was told that she had been in and out of rehabs, inpatient and outpatient centers, and nothing stuck for her. ALCOHOLISM IS A TRULY HORRIFIC DISEASE. The night my cousin was rushed to the hospital, she put her month-old baby down for bed, went to the living room, and drank the hand sanitizer that was on their coffee table. Her addiction was so bad that she was DRINKING hand sanitizer. I’m not sure what disturbed me more: the fact that she drank hand sanitizer or the fact that she was so far gone. I had never been in such a horrible state that I was addicted to any substances or to the point that I would need to drink hand sanitizer. I think the hardest parts of staying resilient through her death was thinking of my cousin who would never meet her mom and the state she had to of been in to even consider drinking hand sanitizer.
I am now 23, finishing college and working for Alcohol Rehab Guide, hoping to spread awareness about this horrible disease. At first, I was not sure what my company did marketing for, but then was told it was for addiction centers. A few months in, I was moved to Alcohol Rehab Guide where I instantly connected to the entire site and was very intrigued by all the important information we offered. I couldn’t help but think of my cousin and wished she could have seen this site. I love coming to work because if I can at least help one person each day I know that I am making a difference. It has been 8 years since my cousin passed away, and the pain still lingers. Her daughter has grown into such a smart, beautiful child, and I wish everyday she could have had the chance to meet her mom. I encourage everyone who reads this to PLEASE GET THEM HELP If you know of someone struggling with alcohol abuse. It is not the easiest thing to do, but there are resources out there to save someone’s life. It is better to have someone you love mad at you for an intervention or throwing them in rehab than for them to end up dead. You never know what sip could be someone’s last.

-Carly Johnson

I'm so grateful that Carly had the courage to write about her pain and how hard it is to be a family member of someone who has alcoholism with such candor. What a great blog post to come out the week of the Bell Let's Talk mental health initiative!! What can be learned from Carly's resilience is that literally anything that makes you feel better can improve your resilience! Carly did theater and different school clubs to keep busy and got a tattoo to stay connected to her Grandmother and her cousin. You can join clubs, take up a hobby, join a gym....anything that will create positive thoughts and experiences to counteract the hard stuff that you don't have control of! And people don't have to be with you physically for you to stay connected to them. Carly's tattoo helped her maintain her connection with her Grandmother and cousin. Staying connected or creating connections is a really important skill re: resilience. And people don't have to necessarily live close by. You could feel connected to Carly right now and she lives in Florida! Lots of times getting together and talking with people who share similar circumstances can help you to feel not alone with your issue. Millions of people around the world have been helped through Alcoholics Anonymous and the group for family members called Al-Anon. Carly works for https://www.alcoholrehabguide.org/ now and that helps her to be resilient as well.

In her story, Carly also talks about the secrets and lies. That is really common in families where there is alcoholism. The underlying issue when there are secrets and lies is SHAME. That's why it's important to talk about your issues. So that you are not feeding the shame by keeping isolated and therefore validating the judgement that you assume will be there. Our society has now exploited the concept of positivity to make us think that having difficult feelings is 'bad' and just being funny and smart and happy is OK. That somehow we shouldn't talk about feelings if they are hard ones because then we aren't feeling 'positive'. All feelings are OK. That's part of the human condition. When you talk about what is real for you then you can inoculate it with the lack of judgement of close family and friends who are supporting you against the shame. That's not to say that some people won't judge. However, you won't be alone and you will have found your tribe of people who won't judge you......and there is always someone who won't judge you. You just won't find them sitting alone holding your secret...

Check out this TED talk from Susan David about positiveness becoming a new form of 'moral correctness'. She aptly tells her clients that don't want to feel the truth about their situation "You have dead people's goals" Lol

www.youtube.com/watch?v=rs5QHWMLATI&feature=youtu.be

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Hope & The Hardship of Being a Single Dad in our Culture

Hope and the Hardship of having a Double Mastectomy

Hope and the Hardship of Being Transgendered

Hope and the Hardship of Dealing with someone's Alcoholism

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