​So Halloween is around the corner again.  Ghosts, goblins and creatures large and small.  For most people this is a fun cultural ritual that gets everyone out meeting their neighbours and sharing good treats. For others this can be a triggering time, especially if they are ritual abuse survivors.  Now I am not going to go into the heinous crimes that ritual abuse survivors are subjected to, however, I think that it is useful for you to know that the Sexual Assault Support Center of Waterloo Region has information on Ritual Abuse and therapists who are trained to work with survivors.  And as people in this community we can't pretend that this stuff doesn't happen or that we would 'know' if someone had had 'that sort of past'.  Survivors of severe forms of abuse need to split off the memory from their conscious psyche in order to survive the experience.  When they are strong enough their mind/body will get triggered by external stimulii that reminds them of the unresolved trauma.  So the dates between Oct 29th and Nov 4th are highly triggering for people with these sorts of events in their history.

So what do you do if you are the one with the memories being triggered?  Breathe.  Look around you and ground yourself into the present and remember that you are safe and it isn't happening anymore. Find people to be with that you know are safe.  Plan activities that keep you engaged in the moment that you enjoy.  Talk to people who are close to you that believe you and will support you and tell them what you need in terms of support.  Spend time in nature.  Don't expect a lot from yourself or have a lot of agendas.  Call the Sexual Assault Support Line and talk to someone.  It's 2018 and it isn't happening anymore and you are not alone!

If you know someone and want to know what to do to help or someone discloses having been ritually abused then here are some things that are helpful:
Always believe the survivor. Never blame the survivor. Don’t talk about religion of any kind unless the survivor brings it up. Never patronize the survivor, no matter what their age. As previously mentioned many ritual abuse survivors have developed dissociation as a coping mechanism. Providing open and accepting support for someone disclosing or identifying dissociation is an important first step. Try NOT to use common ‘support phrases’ as they may have been used in cult programming, for example: • You’re safe now • It’s going to be okay. • It’s all over now. • They can’t hurt your now/anymore. Stick to current phrases: it is 2005, you are in your home, look outside it is snowing/raining/sunny… Many ritual abuse survivors find journaling or drawing to useful when moving through a memory or intense feelings. Listen, accept and learn.

I'm not intending this blog to be a downer blog post, however, many ritual abuse survivors won't see their story 'mirrored' back to them by society because society can't handle the truth that these horrors occur.  I have met ritual abuse survivors and have heard the stories. There is no question in my mind that they are telling the truth. The stories ARE horrific and these people are some of the funniest, smartest, kindest people I know.  They deserve the validation and support of a blog post and to hear that we can survive the supporting!

If this hasn't been your story, well then, that is something to be truly grateful for.  Buy some Halloween candy and make some kids day when they come to your door!  
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So for many of us, last weekend was Thanksgiving.  A time when many people get together with family or friends to celebrate life, food and be grateful.  Now, as always, some people won't have had that opportunity.  It could be that their family is in another country, or they are estranged from them or close family members have passed away.   Holidays tend to intensify what is going on in our lives and if it is grief or trauma then feeling different than the socially acceptable norm can be difficult.  And  social media doesn't help.  It tends to play up the dominant story of how people 'should' be experiencing Thanksgiving.  And photos of 'everyone else' having close and loving family encounters makes this perception worse.  No one posts the pictures of their Uncles getting drunk and passing out.  Or their family member being so mean that someone is crying in the bathroom. 

Check out this article for current research about social media and teen mental health:
https://www.psycom.net/social-media-teen-mental-health#currentresearch

So holidays can be triggering and difficult for people and can make gratitude more tricky, however, there is always something to be grateful for and the practice of gratitude is important for your sense of happiness and fulfillment.  So you can have gratitude for things that are not the people or circumstances that are difficult in your life.  Like the beauty of what is around you. Or the abundance that we live in when we compare ourselves to many other countries.  And you can have gratitude for your own resilience.  When the focus is kept on what you have the ability to control then you will always fair better.

This is Maslow's hierarchy of human needs.  If you are an adult, you can look at this hierarchy and see that you have control of much of your self-actualization.  (***now this assumes that you have control of your brain etc so that you can make choices, get a job etc)  You can get a job and place to live and surround yourself with people who are psychologically and physically safe.  You can love and affirm yourself, your feelings and your needs.  You can learn to regulate your emotions and use your mind to think about things that matter to you and continue to stimulate you.  Belonging is the tricky one for people but that just requires creative thinking.  You can belong to a book club, a church, a political group, a dance or art group.  A gym or a neighbourhood association.  A volunteer group.  There are countless ways to belong,however, it requires joining and participating......that's your part! 

So when you think of gratitude....don't forget to be grateful for yourself.  Ultimately, it's not happiness that brings us gratitude; it's gratitude that brings us happiness.  And THAT we have control of!

Namaste,
Lee
 

​So I know that this is the second week in a row that I have written about what is in the news, however, I believe that these issues are important to address because they affect people's mental health.   I also think it is important to speak to injustice and deceit because those are core issues that people are grappling with and the reality check that this is a societal sickness naming it as that helps to heal the behaviours, thoughts and feelings of survivors of sexual assault. 

Lots of people are feeling unsafe because of what is happening in the world, especially in the US, right now.  However, things are not getting worse....they are getting uncovered.
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​So....I hope that Kavanaugh doesn't get into the Supreme Court.  It will perpetuate the rape culture, the discounting of women's experience and the sense of entitlement and abuse of power that men are socialized to have that exists.  HOWEVER, I hope that all of the men and women reading this blog post can be resilient in the face of these events!

If you are a woman I hope that you:
- do something to get your anger or rage out of your body (run, draw, write, chop wood, anything that doesn't include hurting yourself, someone else or damaging property) 
-give yourself affirmations that you are safe, that you matter, that you deserve to be heard and treated with love and care
-find a man to talk to about your experience who is willing to hear about how misogyny and abuse of male power has impacted upon you (they're out there.....I've met them!)
- mentor a young girl and teach her how to think and speak for herself 
- expect and teach young boys that they can have their feelings and that they need to learn to cooperate and treat all people like they matter

If you are a man I hope that you:
- have the courage to admit that you have been born into privilege that you didn't earn and that everyone deserves to be treated like they are real and they matter
- listen to a woman about her experience of what it is like for her to be a woman in a society that openly elects sexual offenders to powerful positions without diminishing what she is saying or trying to teach her to 'just not be defined by it'. Just listen and validate her and tell her she didn't deserve it.
- have the courage to recognize and admit your mistakes around misogyny (abuse of male power against women) to save YOUR self-esteem as well as support  and make amends to the women in your life
- have the courage to challenge men's attitudes towards women when women are not around (this is possibly the hardest and most important)
-mentor young men about how to be a man that can be in touch with his own feelings and values all people because that is ultimately how you value yourself and affirm
-empower young girls that they are more than how they look to a man and to speak up and fight for equality.

Loving yourselves and each other is where we all need to get back to.  Remember, things are not getting worse, they are getting uncovered.  

Namaste,
Lee